


Remember

by elletromil



Series: Home is in your arms [2]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Amputation, M/M, That is no longer established
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-05
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-10-22 20:53:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17669891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elletromil/pseuds/elletromil
Summary: The pain makes it impossible to think of anything. He knows he died, but he couldn't say how. Hell, he can't even remember his own name.





	Remember

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Arlessiar](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arlessiar/gifts).



> So, you know me, I couldn't leave an angsty ending alone, especially since Arlessiar wanted a happier ending <3  
> It's still plenty angsty though so yeah.
> 
> I hope you like this one too! Thank you for your patience while I was writing it. And thank you for all the rest too. You're amazing and we're lucky to have you in our little fandom community :D

The first time he wakes up after dying, it's to a world of hurt and confusion.

The pain makes it impossible to think of anything. He knows he died, but he couldn't say how. Hell, he can't even remember his own name.

He feels something cool against his forehead and realises one of his hand is gripping hard on another.

The brief moment of clarity is enough to make him understands the words that are being said to him in a way that could be soothing if it wasn't for the obvious desperation in them.

“Hang in there my love, we're nearly there. Just hang in there.”

He doesn’t try to open his eyes and see who it is. He'll only be disappointed. He's no one's love. Not anymore. Even if he's not dead, the man who holds his heart is lost to him forever.

Harry remembered but not everything. He didn't remember _them_. And Merlin didn't have the heart to tell him. Not when it would mean Harry would be back with him only out of obligation.

He stops clinging to consciousness and falls back into black oblivion.

He can only take so much pain. And the physical is only the least of it.

*

The next time he wakes up, it's in a hazy daze and he knows he's drugged up to the gills. Either he's been captured or he's in a hospital. He's not sure which one he would prefer.

He cracks his eyes open and for a time, he can only see bright white. Probably an hospital then, but it doesn't excluded the possibility he's been captured.

He stays as immobile as possible for a long time. He tries wiggling his toes, but high on painkillers like he is, he can’t tell if he's successful.

He has better luck when he tries to squeeze his hands. The right one closes around nothing, his nails digging in his palm a sharp needle of sensation in the ocean of fuzziness he's swimming in. The left one however, is wrapped around something.

It takes him longer than he would like to admit to figure out that what he’s holding on are fingers. And even once he’s come to the right deduction, he cannot for the life of him figure out _whose_ fingers they are.

Who would stay at his bedside like this?

Eggsy maybe, if the world isn’t too much in shamble and if Tilde didn’t need him too, but surely he wouldn’t be holding his hand.

Ginger seems the type too, but he’s certain she wouldn’t take such liberty with him without his explicit consent.

He opens his eyes again, now used to the brightness and his eyes fall on a sleeping Harry.

For a second, he only feel comforted and he could cry with relief.

But then, he remembers the harsh reality. Harry is alive yes. But he also doesn’t remember him.

Harry probably thinks he’s being nice, staying at his bedside like this, guarding him at his most vulnerable. But the truth is, it’s the most cruel thing he could have done to Merlin. Because Merlin doesn’t deserve such kindness.

Merlin left him for dead. Merlin never even thought of looking for him. Were he to remember their shared past, Merlin knows Harry would demand to know why he never tried. And he would be right. Merlin has never been one to give up before. And yet, that’s what he’s done with Harry.

It doesn’t matter that he was grieving, it doesn’t matter that the world had turned upside-down and all of Kingsman had depended on him at the time. He’s certain Harry wouldn’t have let his own responsibilities keep him away from him if their situation had been reversed. After all, he’s here right now, even if he has no memories of their time together. Merlin’s got no excuses.

It’s there and then that he realises he’ll have to tell him the truth.

Even if it means losing him forever.

Harry deserves better.

*

He wakes up while Ginger is examining him, Harry nowhere in sight. He thinks maybe he imagined him at his side, but that’s when he noticed the books on butterfly left on the side table that can only be his.

Any thoughts of Harry leaves him once Ginger realises he’s awake however.

Even before she finds the words to tell him what he lost, he knows from her worried eyes that she’s got bad news for him.

They couldn’t save his legs.

Between his life and his limbs, the choice should be easy to make and Merlin knows that once the shock wears off, he’ll probably be grateful, but for now, he simply wonders why they even bothered.

It’s not like he’s got much to live for now anyway. Most of his Knights are dead, Eggsy doesn’t really need him anymore and Harry doesn’t remember who they are to each other.

He knows he’s not reassuring Ginger about his state of mind when he just clams up and stares ahead until she’s done with his examination, but he’s glad when she doesn’t try to make him talk. He’s glad that this was the person Harry depended on while he was recovering a year ago. Statesman doesn’t appreciate her like she deserves.

He doesn’t really realise when she leaves the room. Doesn’t really realise when someone else walks in, right until they speak.

“Oh. You’re awake.” There’s a pause and Merlin doesn’t turn to look at Harry. He wants to, but what’s the point? He won’t be seeing what he wants to see. And even if Harry were to miraculously remember, Merlin wouldn’t be the man he loved anymore. “Do you need a moment? Should I come back?”

He wants to say no. No he doesn’t need a moment. No Harry shouldn’t come back.

Harry should get on this bed with him and hold him tight. Harry should tell him it’s alright and that nothing has to change, nothing important anyway. They’re both alive, that’s what matters right?

But that’s the selfish part of Merlin.

What he should be doing is to tell him to leave. That he’s no good for him. Has never been. He left him for dead after all. Harry should do the same.

As he wars with himself on what to say, Harry comes to his own decision and sits down carefully on the edge of the bed, on of his hand close enough to on of Merlin’s that he can feel its warmth.

He looks at them for a moment, feeling like there is a universe between them. Before he got himself blown up, Merlin thought that maybe he could reach out and one day Harry and him would both meet in the middle.

That’s not happening now.

Harry deserves more than a broken man.

He nearly jumps out of his skin when he feels Harry’s pinkie hook around his finger gently and he closes his eyes so that he won’t cry.

“There’s nothing I can say that will make things better. So I won’t try. But… as long as you want me there, I’m here Hamish.”

 _Hamish_.

He had never thought he would hear that name ever again. Harry is the last person alive who knew his name and he had thought that the knowledge was lost to him forever.

He doesn’t fight the sob this time and turns his hand to cling on Harry’s, but still keeps his eyes close.

He fears this is all a dream. An illusion.

Harry squeezes back his hand hard enough to be painful, but Merlin relishes it. He’s never been hurt in dreams, so this can only be real.

“I know I’m not the man I used to be. I’m not the man you fell in love with. I haven’t been since before my memory became Swiss cheese to be honest. But you’re still the one I love. So, no matter what, I’ll be there.”

He finally opens his eyes.

Harry is looking at him with that soft private smile he only got when they were alone. There’s pain and worry in his eye, but there’s _longing_ too. As if he too, wants nothing more than to be closer yet.

“You remember.”

“I do.”

They stare at each other for a long time, Merlin’s finally taking in Harry’s appearance. He must have stayed at his side all the time except for quick showers, because he’s dressed in the sweater and slacks he had been in when they first saw him at Statesman and his hair has that curly turn it only gets when Harry doesn’t bother drying them. He can’t remember the last time he’s seen Harry without products shaping his hair perfectly. He’s missed it.

“But you don’t have to-” Harry starts but before he can finish whatever self-sacrificing nonsense Merlin is sure he was about to say, he tugs on his hand hard enough to make him lose his balance.

Even caught by surprise, Harry manages to catch himself before he can crush Merlin completely, but that still leaves him half lying on his side. It’s not quite comfortable, but Merlin doesn’t want to give it up for the world.

“Don’t go.” He wants to say more. Should be saying more. But his mind is still reeling from everything and only part of it is about Harry. He’s got a lot to think about, a lot to figure out. More than he can deal with now that he feels the lull of the drugs in his system putting him back to sleep.

He’s not being fair to Harry. The road ahead will only be difficult and he’s certain it’ll be just as hard on Harry as it will be on him. He’ll tell him when he wakes up that he doesn’t _have_ to be here. Even if Merlin wants him there, he’s under no obligation, even with his memories back.

But he’s quickly losing his battle against sleep and when the comforting warmth of Harry’s arm settles around his chest, it’s all he can do to stay awake.

“I’m not going anywhere. Sleep Hamish. We’ll talk more later.”

It’s a promise if he’s ever heard one and it makes him believe that maybe, just maybe they’ll be alright after all.

He falls asleep to the feeling of soft lips pressing against his temple, something he thought he’d never feel again.


End file.
